So, thanks to my bestest friend, I've done some of the greatest art in my life. (I should be getting around to scanning it in soon) Unfortunately, it was because she damn near broke my heart with her inability to commit. Ha, sounds like we're dating. I let my heart bleed onto paper, and I'm quite proud of the result and it made me feel a helluva lot better, too.

That was several weeks ago.

Now she's probably in Paris. She's been there a little less than a day and she'll stay there until next summer when she moves to Montreal. At least, that's the tentative plan.

I don't feel sad. My analytical mind has given me enough reasons why I shouldn't be. Facebook, 'course. Phones. I'm going to college somewhere back East, I can see her then. Yet, I can't feel any happy emotion above the "dinner with dessert" level. I can't eat. The only time I've had any solid food without a wave of nausea was in her hotel room, with her sitting next to me, laughing.

It doesn't help that the rest of my so-called "friends" turn into hormonal sluts when in a group. Individually, they are the greatest people in the world, but get them together and it makes me physically ill to be in the same room.

I don't know what to do anymore. She was my last link to them. I tried to break ties, but I held myself back because she was so close to them and I didn't want to alienate our own friendship. Now that she's gone, I have no reason to stay with them and no where to go.

But honestly, I'm sitting here on fucking Christmas Eve writing an emo little blog that no one's going to read. I lock myself in a room as soon as I get home. I lock myself off from the entire world, even when I'm in a crowd of people. What kind of friends am I supposed to make?

The individual geeks that I bond with already have their own circles, and there is certainly not room for me within them.
Freshman year was so damn simple compared to this. My entire life is hanging in the balance with my acceptable grades evening out the horrendous condition of my social life.

I have to get through two and a half more years of this hell, and I can't see any practical way to do so with my sanity intact. I'm getting a job, perhaps a new game system for Xmas and there's always school. But none of that is enough to intrigue my mind enough to allow me to forget about how alone I am.

It's really the last push until Macbeth. I'd do anything to play Lady McB but I know that there is positively no chance that I would be cast as such an important role as a sophomore. I'm still crossing my fingers for a large enough role to be important. To say stuff. To have a damn character.

I wasn't even cast last year. Not even as a fucking fairy.

So, this is it. Story of my mid-high school life.

Nina, I miss you and I love you.